The Bachelor Ocarina of Time
by cakedoughnutschickenboob
Summary: Choose one of Hyrule's most eligible bachelorettes for Link: Nabooru, Zelda, Malon, Ruto, Impa, and Saria. If you want me to continue REVIEW! First three Zelda chapters now up. Rated T for language. Sorry for the looooooooooooooooong delay!
1. Prologue

omg!!!! i am so exited to write this fic!!! it is going to be soooo much fun. here is my idea...(drumroll plz)... a choose-what-link-does romantic comdey! you guys will totally adore it! i promise. basically Link has to choose between:

Zelda (as in the princess)- she's blonde, fun and the obvious choice. the gods even want it to happen! BUT DOES LINK?????

Malon: a cute fiesty redhead with a mind of her own. reallly sweet. DOES LINK HAVE WHAT IT TAKES???

Ruto: Clingy, obsessive and annoying. What more do I have to say. DOES LINK LIKE NEEDY GIRLS?

Nabooru: hot and a total slut...TOO SLUTY FOR LINK?????

Impa: Link says he likes older woman...DO YOU????

finally, Saria: cute green hair and 9 years old...AREN" T THER LAWS AGAINST THIS????

this is only the preview and i don't own these characters...but i will soon...jk!

(by the way by choose-what-link-does i mean you get to read this book and choose who link goes out with. If you want to start a relationship read the "asking out" titles and continue along the chapters that include that person's name. ex.ASKING MALON OUT hint hint hint

also note: i tend to write quickly and plz don't be offended by misspelt words. I will be writing a story for all of them. No matter how crazy the story get.

luv CDCB


	2. 1 Asking Malon Out

CDCB: hey.. i appretiate your support! THX sooooo much... sorry that this has taken me so long...

Malon: soooo... can you skip the intro...?

CDCB: sorry...i guess i am just excited...by the way I am a Malinker so this should be good.

Malon: CDCB does not own any of us...just the idea of this fic! (she is also thinking that she should be one of the bachelorettes, but Link has already turned her down) owned!

* * *

**Asking Malon Out**

Link rode up to the Lon-Lon Ranch. He hadn't seen Malon in years. She was so cute as a child. Link hadn't been able to think about anyone, but her ever since he had started his adventure. Ganondork was dead and he had nothing better to do, so he rode into the Lon-Lon Ranch.

Link: Hello...

There was silence!

Link: Is anyone there?????

Ingo popped up.

Ingo: hello, would you like to ride the horses...you discusting scumbag?

Link: Where's Malon

Ingo pointed to the stable

Link walked over to the stable. The horses were in chains. Malon couldn't have let this happen...could she? Link opened the door..

Link: Malon???

Malon: Who the hell are you...what do you want?

Link: Don't you remember me?

Malon: NO! Get out...just get out

Malon burst into tears.

Link: Fairy boy?

Malon rubbed her eyes.

Malon: but, but, I thought you were dead!

Link: nope! just saving the world...nothing out of the ordinary. So how's Epona?

Malon: HORRID! Ganondork wants her.

Link didn't have the heart to tell her he was dead. Instead...

Link: I know this is tough, but I came here to ask you out...

Malon: well... i could use a diversion...sure

Link: see you tomorrow?

Malon: 8:00pm? oh and don't bring me home later than 6:00am. Ingo will hurt the animals

Link: You'll be home by 12:00am

Malon: tee hee

* * *

CDCB: This was short because the date is long 

Malon: the date is funnier than this too.

CDCB: Here is the trailer...unless you like surprizes. R&R!!

* * *

Malon: We're having a picnic 

Link: Yep, PB&J

Malon: I am allergic to peanut butter

Link: shit that is all i brought... could you eat a little bit?

Malon: I'LL DIE

Link: But it seems like such a waste...are yoyu sure?

Malon: yes...wow...Epona

Epona saw Malon with Link that was for sure. She like Link way mor than Malon did. Epona knew it was weird, but their children would be unique. Epona knew Malon was ruining everything, so she took drastic measures.

Malon: What the hell?

Yes that's right, Epona kidnapped Malon!! Waht will happen next????


	3. 1 Asking Zelda Out

CDCB: hey everyone!!! i hope you liked part one of Malon...if you read it...but here is Zelda's part one.

Zelda: yea...

CDCB: sooooooooo...wanna do the disclaimer

Zelda: CDCB owns at basketball, but not any Zelda charactors, logos, etc

* * *

**Asking Zelda Out**

Link rode Epona out to Ganon's Tower/Hyrule Castle. A lot had changed there since he had been there last. For one, Ganon was gone and the lava pit was replaced by water, but the castle was still a tower. Link looked ahead and saw a beautiful girl with long blonde hair and "Triforce" earings. Link desided to ask where the princess was. He hadn't seen her since Ganondork had kidnapped her, and that was all a blurr.

Link: Excuse me, have you seen Princess Zelda?

Girl (does a dramatic turn): I am Princess Zelda!

Link: Didn't you have a towel over your head...?

Girl/Zelda: Yeah. I only wore it because it was my mothers...

Link: Oh...

AWKWARD SILENCE!!!

Link: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Zelda: Sorry... I'd love to but I am having my annual sleepover tonight. Everyone's going to be there.

Link (eyes light up): Can I come???

Zelda laughed. Her father would never approve.

Zelda: My father wouldn't approve!

Link: Oh...

Zelda: We can do something tommorow...

Link: But you'll be tired...

Zelda: yea..

Link: What about right now!

Zelda: I have to get rid of all this emo shit first. Ganondork was a horrible in/exterior designer!

Link: Well then... byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

* * *

CDCB: This is soooooooooooooooooo short!

Zelda: Why didn't i post-pone the sleepover

CDCB: that is a question only you can answer. R&R and read more for a quick preview!

* * *

_Link was at home in the Kokori Forest_

Link: I REEEEEALLLY miss Zelda. What should I do.

Link's eyes slowly gazed upon his mother's clothing from when she died... COULD HE BE THE FIRST GUY TO GO UNDERCOVER AT A SLEEPOVER...

Link: I will call myself Falala (pronounced Fa-lol-a)


	4. 1 Asking Saria Out

CDCB: hello. this is for all of you who have ever listened to Stacy's Mom.

Saria (listening to my Ipod): Stacy's mom has got it going on. she's all I want and I've waited so loooong! Stacy can't you see your just not the girl for meeeeee. I know it might be wrong but...I'm in love with stacy's mom!!!!!!

CDCB: In case you didn't get that clue. This is the 1st Saria-Link chapter. I no it has been a while since the last chapter, but I have a life.

Saria: Then why do you write these??

CDCB: To support those who don't.

Saria: You are so going to get owned by your fans!!!!

CDCB (sweating nervously...unless that's weird): JK I LOVE YOU ALL!

Saria: Does not own us...or does she...nope she doesn't.

* * *

Asking Saria Out

Link was excited to go to his old house. He had just won a cow from Malon and was eager to check it out. He absolutly ah-dored the forest. It was always so bright and green and fresh and...

Link: Ah-choooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

And allergy triggering too!

Link: this is a pretty sweet cow!

Cow: would you like a bottle full of milk?

Link: Thanx...but I'm good.

Cow: Kay!

Link all of a sudden got bored with the cow.

Link: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Link decided to go to the Lost Woods. He was in desperate need of an adventure. The familliar "Duh, duh, duh," sound swept over him and gave him a warm feeling inside. It meant Saria was in the woods. Link travelled to the Sacred Forest Meadow. All off a sudden a Wolfo popped out of the grass. OMG!

Link: OMG it is a Wolfo!

The Wolfo stared at Link with its red eyes and opened his mouth to speak.

Wolfo: I'll give you 5 ruppees to leave me alone!

Link: 4

Wolfo: 6 and I won't give you a ruppee more.

Link: Ahhhh...fine! Deal!

The Wolfo gave Link the 6 ruppees and ran away to attack the Stalfo/Dog things that replaced the Mad Scubs that either died or moved to Temina.

Link: Sweeeeeeeeeeeet

Saria: Link what are you doing here?

Link: I came to...errrr...see you?

Saria: Awwwwwwwww! I ah-dore it when you lie.

Link: I was just wondering if you have a boyfriend?

Saria: Yeah...but I could dump him, it's only Mido.

Link: Cool. I don't have a girlfriend by the way...

Saria: Reallly...

Link: NOPE!

Saria: Do you want to come see the SKULL KIDZ tonight at the hall were the mask contest takes place?

Link: SKULL KIDZ

Saria: Yea, you know he girl with the pigtails and green headband who was in here a lot.

Link: yea

Saria: She's the bass gutairist.

Link: Kay!

Saria: Come to my place at 7:00

Link: Kay!

Saria: see ya.

Link: Byeeeeeeeee

* * *

CDCB: Short, but I was desperate to put this up.

Saria: What? You don't like me?

CDCB: Well, your my favourite Kokori

Saria: Are you being racist?

CDCB: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by the here is the next Saria Chapter coming soon to a computer near you.

* * *

I really can't say much, but it involves a wooden concert hall, wooden Dekus, and Fire Arrows.

Link: Oops...


	5. 1 Asking Ruto Out

CDCB: As if anyone will read this... but those brave souls that are must no that I don't really care as much about the Ruto Chapters. (JK MarioDS01)

Ruto: No one likes me...

CDCB: With that attitude, no one will! Acually, you're ugly and a little obsessive...but you'd be a great friend of mine...if I could only understand why you are always naked.

Ruto: It's a funny story...

CDCB:...that's okay...

Ruto: CDCB is sorry that some of you still think she owns charactors etc. from Zelda games. She is just a tard who writes about them...

note: if you like Ruto this is for you...if you hate her your mind may be changed!!! (just like Links!)

* * *

Asking Ruto Out

Link walked out of the fishing place on a hot summer day. He was boiling and his hot, sweaty body was starting to overheat. (woot!) Link jumped in the lake and started swimming along the bottem. It was amazing how his hair never got screwed up by the water. It was always perfect. Navi was flying above him because she got bored after he left him at the end of OoT. Link was annoyed by the fairy but she was very insecure without someone to lead her through life.

Navi: Listen. Link, have you ever seen notes in a bottle down in the bottem of the lake?

Link knew that was a hint. His "life" was too easy. He dived down and obtained a bottle. When he put it in his pocket a mysterious vioce told him that "OMG! There is a note inside."

Link: OMG there is a note inside this bottle.

Link took the note out and read it silently to himself, praying Navi couldn't read. It said:

_Dear Link,_

_You found the note I left when I decided to find my mother's jewel, so I hope you got this one. I was stalking you so I know you went in the Fishing Hole today. If you see this note before the moon rises tonight meet me in the Water Temple. I have food so don't worry. We will have sandwiches, clams, and Lon Lon Milk. If you come you'll make me very happy. You are the coolest guy in Hyrule and I'd love it if you came. If you don't come I will hold it against you so come. We are engaged you know. If you are someone who got this before Link, please give it to him. I am a Princess and a sage so I could use my powers to own you._

_Please Come, Ruto_

Link: I dunno, my buddy, Kafai, says she's ugly...

Navi: Listen. Link have you ever seen notes in bottles down in the bottem of the lake?

Link: You can't say much can you.

Navi: Would you like to talk to Saria?

Link: I prove my point.

Navi: Listen!

Link: Fine I'll go!

Navi (happily): Listen. : )

Link and Navi started to walk towards the water temple when an awful thought reached Link's head.

Link: THE SANDWICHES ARE GOING TO BE SOGGY

Navi (laughing): Would you like to talk to Saria.

Link liked Ruto, but was he willing to sacrifice his appitite?

* * *

CDCB: Uh Oh! Looks like your about to get owned. 

Ruto: Shut up! It's not like you haven't been rejected.

CDCB: The only guy I've ever asked out was Link.

Ruto: Well, you still got owned.

CDCB: BFF's?

Ruto: Totally! Oh and R&R!

* * *

Preview: 

Link dove down deep within the Lake. He paced into the a room under water and...didn't see ruto.

Link: Gawd this Temple is confusing.

He checked every where so he left the Temple.

Link: Navi hand me my note

Navi: Listen.

Link: OMG there's fine print!

_"note" Link I am waiting where you saw your dark side. It has such a cute island._

Link: Dammit, that's half way through the temple!

**To Be Continued...**


	6. 1 Asking Impa Out

CDCB: I am phsyced that I a the only person to right about Impa in a fic...that I no of!

Impa (flatly): I am too.

CDCB:Yeah...

Impa (flatter): I am only a little bit emo

CDCB (under breath): tard

Impa (without expression): What?

CDCB: Do the disclaimer!

Impa (still flatly): CDCB **currently** does not own any Zelda characters but hopes to one day...

* * *

Asking Impa Out

Link was really bored. With Hyrule saved all he could do was normal things. Link shuttered at the thought. Being...normal. The thought sickened him. Who would save him? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm he thought. I think I'll go to Kakoriko since there are normal people there.

Link walked along the path and took a jog around the town. He did it sort of like the carpenters 7 years before. He heard someone yelling his name.

Impa (flatly): Link! Is that you?

Link: Yup.

Impa:Do you wannna come inside? You look kind of pale.

Link:errr.. sure

Link walked inside Impa's house. He expected it to be dark and gloomy but it was totally redecorated. There were pink everything.

Link gasped.

Impa: I know what you're thinking. I let Zela redo it for my Birthday. She's such a sweetie.

Link: How old are you again?

Impa: 24. I was 17 when I first met you.

Link: That's my age now!

Impa: So what brings you here?

Link: I was bored.

Impa: Me too. I made cookies!

Link had been wondering what that burning smell was.

Impa: Want one?

Link: Sure...Patooey

Link spat it out it tsted like crap. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Impa: You like?

Link: Sure...

Impa: It's okay if you don't...

Link: I really don't.

Impa: You lied to me!!!! Get out of my house!

Link: WHAT!!!!!!

Impa: Just for today...I'm angry.

Link:soooooooooo

Impa: Come back tomorrow. I think you 're old enough to see some thing.

Link: I LOVE...

Impa: What? What do you love?

Impa secretly hoped it would be her. She knew she was too old for him, but love is blind.

Link: I LOVE PREVIEWs so if it's a movie get me to come early.

Impa sighed. How could she like someone so dim.

* * *

CDCB: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Impa got owned!

Impa: Hey

CDCB:Link loves everyone who reads this but not in that way. (esp. the guys that review because if Link i gay the only relationship that works out is Zelda since she is half and half)

Impa: Review or I will come to your house and scare you with my deku nuts that let me travel fast.

CDCB: ha ha ha...ha?

Impa: JK

CDCB: "sigh"

* * *

They go to the shadow temple. Link likes the bat/bird boat. 


	7. 1 Asking Nabooru Out

CDCB: So Nabooru, this week you are my special guest.

Nabooru: And I am pleased to be here to premere my part of this fic

CDCB: So, Nabooru, anything you'd like to share with us.

Nabooru: That guy is pretty hott! (points to some random guy walking down the street)

CDCB: But...you are going out with Link. So...i guess he is all mine. OWNED!

Nabooru: errr...CDCB doen't own any of the awesome characters from any Zelda game no matter how hard she may wish.

* * *

Asking Nabooru Out

Link loved this place. Whenever he needed a break from being the hero he would come hang out with his Greudo fanclub. They were all pretty and rarly allowed boys into their camp. They would all throw themselves at Link and beg him to hang out with them.

Link: Hello ladies!

Greudo Girl: So "giggle" Link, how did you defeat the dragon thingy in Death Mountain?

Greudo Girl #2: All I know is that a big, strong man like you has to beat the monsters with ease. Isn't that right Linky-poo?

Link: Linky-poo?!?

Greudo Girl #3: Do you have anymore room on your lap for me?

Link: Sure.

Greudo Girl: No fair, I was here first.

Link: Ladies, there's enough Link to go around for all of you.

Link absolutly loved this place. All the girls wanted him. No one else, just him. As far as he was concerned, he was the luckiest man alive.

Nabooru: Ladies! Back to work!

The girls completely ignored her.

Greudo Girl #3: So Link, which of us do you like more?

Link:... (Link pointed to Nabooru who was getting her sword out and looking at Link with her evil eyes)

Greudo Girls: And not me??????

Link: No it's that...

Link pointed to the vein about to explode on the side of Nabooru's head.

Nabooru: LADIES!!!

Greudo Girl: Eww...i don't want to sit next to Link if he likes that beast.

Greudo Girl #2: Agreed.

Greudo Girl #3: Bye Link, call me.

The girls left as Link looked at Nabooru's vein. It was slowly increasing in size. It was disturbing, yet intriguing. As hrad as he tried he just couldn't look away. Bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger it got until he dicided to listen to Nabooru's lecture. Even with the vein, she was still pretty.

Nabooru: How dare you distract these girls from doing their work. We could have been attacked. And you know you are being just plain disrespectful. This is the sort of thing I would expect from Ganondork and I am ashamed we allow you on our campsite. Are you listening to me?

Link: You are HOT!

Nabooru: I don't know how you saved Hyrule with an attitude like that.

Link: You know, you're really hot.

Nabooru: And with this I am going to have to ask you to leave. You have distracted us one to many times.

Link: Would you ever go out with me?

Nabooru:...excuse me?

Link : It's just that angry girls turn me on.

Nabooru: Ewwwwwww. You like Navi don't you!!!!

Link: No that was a major errrrrr...tribal difference.

Nabooru: I always thought you liked one of the other girls.

Link: I like all girls...

Nabooru: I see. well, I guess we could hang out tommorrow, say the cafeteria at 7:00?

Link: I'll be there.

Nabooru: Bye, Kid!

Link: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

* * *

CDCB: Woot! Link likes angry girls. That is some information a lot of girls out there are going to remeber. (wink) 

Nabooru: what's going to happen next chapter?

CDCB: Link gets owned.

Nabooru: SWEET!

CDCB: What's so "SWEET!"

Nbooru: I am like, one of the only girls who doesn't get owned!

CDCB: That you are. Thank-you so much to the people who gave me the 22 reviews I have gotten so far.

Nabooru: R&R for Malon's Second Chapter! oh and here is the Preview for the next Nabooru

* * *

Link: so you don't like me? 

Nabooru: I like you, but I have a boyfriend already.

Navi: Are you going to give Nabooru the flowers now?

Link: Shut-up

Nabooru: Flowers?

Link: Yea...

Nabooru grabed the flowers out of the young hero's hands.

Link: I dunno. I like the Magenta Pink flowers.

Nabooru: Well...I like the Periwinkle Blue Ones.

The author suddenly has a major **Blue's Clues** _flashback._ I know you had one too, so don't lie...


	8. 2 Epona Likes Link More Than Malon?

CDCB: 'ello my friends! I know you want to read this. It is pretty awesome. This is one of my better chapters.

Malon: You're a little too confident. What's so great about this?

CDCB: It has suspense, drama, comedy, romance, and...

Malon: And...

CDCB: A cliffhanger!

Malon: OMG! and CDCB doesn't own any Zelda characters etc that you may read in this novel etc etc etc etc well, you get the picture! She also did not make up the cucco thing. Try it in OoT to lose all your life! It is actually quite entertaining.

note: This will not make much sense unless you read "Asking Malon Out" first.

* * *

Epona Wants Link More Than Malon

Link walked up to his date with Malon. His freshly brushed hair matched the bright yellow flowers from Zelda's Courtyard (the gardner got owned). his bright green tunic almost looked brown in the red glow of the sunset. He looked up from the dirt road to see a group of cuccos eating feed. Link felt his heart jolt. He turned around to hear the voice he only knew too well. It was Malon.

Malon had been excited for their evening, though she had a funny feeling something would go wrong. She wore her hair back into a nice head band and was wearing a warm maroon dress with her regular boots. She may have been having her doubts about Link, but at least she looked good.

Malon: Hi Link!

Link: Maaaaaa..Maaaa...Maaaaaaaallllllll... Maaaaaaaaaaa...

Epona kicked Link

Link: Maaaalon...errrr hi.

Malon: so...what are we doing. You never told me. I hope I'm not too dressed up.

Link: um...

Malon spotted the picnic basket in Link's hand.

Malon: Are we having a picnic?

Link: Only if you want to. I mean if you don't want to thats okay, we could do something else, because doing something else could be good. I could give Epona the food and we could do something else. There's no harm in doing something else. I hope you like food. Do you like food? Not to say you look anerxic or anything. ...or that you're fat or anything. Remember how a few minutes ago I couldn't talking and now I just can't stop.

Malon: Link, calm down. A picnic is a great idea.

Malon was trying to be optomistic. She knew that there was going to be some miscommunicational errors over the next couple of hours.

Link: Sorry. I guess I act different around someone as beautiful as you.

Link knew that that was corny, but he had made progress. He mangaged to speak normally to the girl he liked.

Malon: So, what are we having to eat. I'm starving. Oh, and I'm not anerxic and I don't think I'm fat.

Link: "nervous giggle" PB&J

Malon: I'm really sorry, but I am allergic to peanut butter.

Link: Shit! that is all I brought... could you eat a little bit?

Malon: I'LL DIE!

Link: But it seems like such a waste...are you sure?

Malon: Yes...OMG! Epona Nooooooooooo!

Epona saw Malon with Link that was for sure. She like Link way more than Malon did. Epona knew it was weird, but their children would be unique. Epona knew Malon was ruining everything, so she took drastic measures.

Malon: What the hell?

Yes that's right, Epona kidnapped Malon. In dramatic fashion, Epona jumped over the wall and galloped away.

Ingo (who had been standing there the entire time): AHHHHHH! That was the horse I was going to give to the great Ganondork. Fuck! RAWR!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Link: Someone hasn't taken their medication today...And I actually owned that tard in a heroic battle, but don't tell Malon...I want to comfort her.

Ingo: You think you can just throw insults at me. Do I look stupid to you?

Link looked at him. He was wearing a tacky immitation of what the Zelda's buttler wore. Cheap material and a grossly out of style collar were just some of the faults to his costume's design. Link looked at him and laughed. Ha!

Link: I laugh at you. HA!

Ingo: If you feel that way I won't ever let you leave the ranch, so owned. Those goddamn kids these days... (Ingo had closed the gate)

Link knew that there was only one thing left to do. Panic.

Link: Ahhhhhhhhh! I'm stuck in this crappy ranch for ever. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! My girlfriend's horse kidnapped my girlfriend. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! These cucco's don't give me goose bumps! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ANOTHER GIRL LEFT ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ow...

Link couldn't even panic properly that day and ended up throwing himself into the stable's wall. About an hour later he woke up.

Link: owwwwwwwwwwww. Dammit. Only 3 hearts left. The annoying beeping sound starts...now.

All of a sudden, Link devised a plan. He would lose all of his life. He was bound to be asked if he would prefer to die or continue. He would end up at the frount of the ranch, the last entrace/building he had come from. But how would he lose it? His head was still ringing from the awful stings of the stable wall, so that was out Links eyes slowly peered upon the group cucco's on the ground. Link got his sword out and...

Link: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link captured one cucco, corned it and used his swording skills to attack.

Cucco: Bwwwwwwwwwwwak BBBBBwwwwwwwwwwwaaakkk. Acccccccccccccccccccccccccccck!

All of the sudden many cuccos came and attacked Link. Alone they were weak, but together they were strong. Link's theory was correct.

_DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?_

_Yes or No?_

Link: I pick... _Yes_.

Ingo: How did you get on this side of the fence?!?

Link: I got owned by cuccos.

Ingo: But I thought you died!

Link: I never die. I just choose if I would like to "continue" or not.

Ingo: Well, I have learned a lot from this experience. I think I won't abuse the animals now that I see what a mental child they have made you. I suggest that you go see the Lake Lab's scientist.

Link: Well, I better find Malon! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

* * *

Malon: Erm...why is Link so keen on me eating peanut butter? 

CDCB: He spent agood 10 minutes making those sandwiches and it hurt him that you wouldn't eat them. Any other questions?

Malon: What the hell was Ingo doing watching us the whole time?

CDCB: He was...erm... curious to see what an actual relationship looks like.

Malon: Oh...

CDCB: R&R and check out this preview!

* * *

Epona's evil fortress was wet and full of many grasses inhabited by bugs. There was an open treasure chest. Link had been there before, probably as a child, 7 short years ago. Up on the ceiling was a large metal cage. Inside was Malon. 

Malon: Link! Is that you?

Link: Malon! What the hell are you doing up there?!?

Malon: Epona put me here!

Link: Life in Hyrule is just waaay to hard with everyone liking me.

Malon: Shut- up. Yeah I like you, but that was the worst beginning of a date I had ever had.

Link: Not you, Epona.

Malon: You think my horse likes you?!?

Epona: Liiiiiiiink iiiiiiis hhhhhhhot

Link: Did you hear that?!?

Malon: Did I hear what?

Link: Epona totally came on to me.

Malon: WTF?????? Link do you run into the stable wall again?

Link had run into stable walls so many times it wasn't funny...


	9. 2 Zelda's Sleepover

CDCB: Hey, everyone, this is Zelda's Sleepover. Make sure you read the "Asking Out Zelda" chapter first.

Zelda: So it makes sense.

CDCB: sooooooooo...wanna do the disclaimer

Zelda: CDCB erm...doesn't own anything but the 3 stories she wrote when she should have been doing homework... oh well

* * *

Zelda's Sleepover

_Link was at home in the Kokori Forest_

Link: I REEEEEALLLY miss Zelda. What should I do.

Link's eyes slowly gazed upon his mother's clothing from when she died... COULD HE BE THE FIRST GUY TO GO UNDERCOVER AT A SLEEPOVER...

Link: I will call myself Falala (pronounced Fa-lol-a)

Link jumped on Epona and galloped to Kakoriko Village. There had to be someone there that could make him into a girl. He went into the fat-lady-with-the-beard-who-took-care-of-the-carpenters-when-they-were-making-the-shooting-gallery's house.

Link: Please, miss, I need to see the girl I love tonight. There are only girls allowed at her sleepovers and I really need to be there. Can you help me look more womanly.

The fat-lady-with-the-beard-who-took-care-of-the-carpenters-when-they-were-making-the-shooting-gallery: If you're gay, honey, just say so.

Link: Erm... I'm not making this up. My girl really is having a sleepover tonight...

The fat-lady-with-the-beard-who-took-care-of-the-carpenters-when-they-were-making-the-shooting-gallery: Do you want to look pretty like me or what?

Link: Erm...prettier than you...

The fat-lady-with-the-beard-who-took-care-of-the-carpenters-when-they-were-making-the-shooting-gallery: Okay, now we need boobs, makeup, loads of perfume, a dress, and a night gown, and a wig. Sit down in the bed.

Link: Okay.

The fat-lady-with-the-beard-who-took-care-of-the-carpenters-when-they-were-making-the-shooting-gallery then took Link and put him in his mother's yellow dress and some regular brown flats. The dress would have been pretty on a girl, but on Link everything sagged in the wrong places. It did, however, until the lady stuffed his dress with grass. This filled in the dress, but it made his manboobs a little lumpy and lopsided. So much makeup was put on his face, you couldn't even tell it was Link and the perfume covered up the sweaty stench many heroes who were born before deoderant tended to have. He put a night gown in the place were he kept all of those items he carried (where ever the hell it was). The final touch was a blonde wig in pigtails that were perfectly braided. Link/Falala was ready.

Link walked to the castle the best he could. It wasn't easy being a girl. How was he supposed to travel all the way to the castle in these shoes and the all the water that had splashed on to the bridge was disgracful too. If he ruined his dress he was sueing. He walked through town and made it to the castle gaurds.

Link/Falala: (In a very high voice and a southern accent) Hi, my name is Falala. I am here for Zelda's sleepover. I'm new in town so I'm probably not on the list.

Gaurd: well, I'm not supposed to let you in, but I'm willing to make a bargin. How about me and you go out sometime, and I'll let you through.

Link: (in his normal voice) I don't think so honey.

Gaurd: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! A man in very beliveable drag...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Falala: Well now that that's out of the way.

And with that he/she walked by all the gaurds waving and winking at them. He/she finally made it to the castle draw bridge. She/he beat up the gaurd so he would put it down. When Falala was inside he/she immediatly went to Zelda's room but first he saw Saria.

Saria: Hello. I'm Saria. Pleased to meet you and you are...?

Link/Falala: My name is Falala. I was wondering if I could come to this sleepover, being new in town and all.

Saria: Well, you're prettier than a lot of us so don't be afraid if anyone is a little cold at first. So...where are you from?

Link/Falala: Erm...Ordon...? Erm yes, I am from Ordon.

Saria: Cute name. Is it a city or country.

Link/Falala: City? Country?

Saria: Yes. Which one?

Link/Falala: Both actually. It's rather independent.

Saria: Okay. The other girls are upstairs in Zelda's room listening to music.

Link looked up. There had to be at least 40 flights of stairs...so they took the elevator. It was a gift to the castle from Zelda's beloved friend, Princess Peach.

Link/Falala: Oh, are they listening to the Ingo Go's? I love the Ingo Go's. Their music is wonderfully different.

Saria: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. We only like emo bands like the SKULL KIDZ.

Link/Falala: Oh.

Amazingly the two had made it to Zelda's room at the top of the castle.

Saria: Girls! I'm back with a new friend. this is Falala.

Zelda: Hmmmmm. You look familiar...but whatever. These are some of the other maidens in Hyrule. Well, at least the pretty ones. There's Malon the one in the boots. She's nice but smells like a cow...you know what I mean. That's Ruto. We don't like her, but daddy makes me invite her so we don't get attacked by the Zora's or something. Avoid her at all costs. Over there is Impa. She's my best friend and Nanny. She is totally amazing. Next to her with the red pony tail is Nabooru. Stay clear of her when she's pissed. She's stronger than you'd think. Anju is the lady with the cucco. She has a boyfriend in Termina so, we rarely see her except for my exquisite sleepovers. She used to have a slight obsession with cuccos. You've met Saria already and then there's me.

Saria: I am so bored with this music. Let's play Truth or Dare.

All the girls and Falala: Yeah!

Malon: All right. Ruto. Truth or Dare.

Ruto: Dare.

Anju: I, like, dare you to, like, moon the next, like, carrage that, like, goes by!

Ruto: Hate to tell you this, but I am butt naked, always.

All the girls and Falala except for Ruto: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Malon: You can leave.

Impa: Girls. You know the rules. Ruto automatically picks Truth.

Malon: So who do you like?

Ruto: Link!

Saria: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! He is so not boy friend material. He is alway busy and saving people. I think he has flirted with everyone in this room except for Falala.

"Falala" shifted nervously.

Malon: Yeah, and he smells worse than I do.

Impa: I'm a little too old for him.

Nabooru: He stole the gauntlets I wanted.

Anju: I like chickens...I mean Kafai.

Just then a really muscular Zora walked by and Ruto looked out the window. He blew her a kiss.

Ruto: Erm...I think I may have changed my mind... Link is kinda weak too. He could barely lift me up in Jabu Jabu's internal organs.

Zelda: He's not that bad...

Other girls except Falala and Zelda: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh

Zelda: Shut up. I like him.

Malon: Ruto, you are officially cooler than Zelda.

Link (forgetting to use his Falala voice): Shut the fuck up! Zelda can like him if she wants. Oh shit!

All the girls: LINK!!!

Zelda burst out of the room in tears. Nabooru tied Link to a chair. In three words, Link was screwed.

* * *

CDCB: Sooooooo what did you think? 

Zelda: I think that I got owned...not as owned as Link, but still owned.

CDCB: I will now answer any questions at this time.

Zelda: Who is this muscular Zora and why does he like Ruto?

CDCB: I just wanted to make it clear that you were the only one who truly likes Link (in this fic) and I felt bad for her.

Zelda: Well, as long as things work out... R&R

CDCB: Can't wait for this to be updated? Check out my short preview. Oh, and next week it is Saria. I think people will like this one. It's actually pretty cute!

* * *

Link was surrounded. he had never felt more embarassed in his life. He was caught. Cross dressing! He was caught cross dressing! By girls! He was going to get and he was going to get it hard. 

Link: Well, this is awkward...

Malon: How could you do that to Zelda. She really liked you.

Link: Some of us were making fun of Zelda because we thought it made us cool, right Malon

Malon: ...

Impa: it was all of us, except for Ruto who I will appoint as a bystander. We should all be ashamed. You too Link. What gave you the need to come to our sleepover?

Link: (like a scolded student with his head down) Nothing.


	10. 2 Saria and the Concert

CDCB: hello. I am here with Saria again to discuss the chapter.

Saria: Yup!

CDCB: Are you excited?

Saria: Yup!

CDCB: erm...I don't own any characters in Zelda games and I never will so nobody sue me, okay!

note: This chapter won't make sense unless you read the "Asking Out Saria" chapter first.

* * *

Saria and the Concert

Link walked home and got ready. A cute green tunic and boots made his outfit complete. He jumped down form the ladder and met Saria at her house with a large bouquet of flowers.

Mido: Oooooooh! Who are those for Sir?

Link: Saria.

Mido: You're just like that kid I used to know. He was using this whole "nice" act too.

Link: Erm... I am seeing a concert with her so if you don't mind moving...

Mido burst out crying.

Mido: Why doesn't anyone like me?

Link: Erm... sorry to hear that, but I've got a date waiting for me in here so if you would just step aside...

Mido: Do you like me?

Link: Get the FUCK out of my way!

Mido started to cry and ran down the path to see his groupies who were busy pretending to do his work. Link shrugged and skipped merily into Saria's pleasent household. Link noticed 4 hearts on the floor and eagerly greeted the green-haired goddess standing in the middle of them.

Link: Hi Saria.

Saria: Hey Link. What do you think of my outfit?

Saria did a quick spin and Link was blown away. Her hair band was bright yellow and her dress was a geen with white polka dots halter-dress. It showed off her petite figure and her regualr boots made the look a little more comfortable.

Link: I...I...love you..."clears throat" I mean the outfit. I..err...love the outfit.

Saria giggled as her eyes met his. She had always loved Link, ever since they were little. All that time they were away from each other, those hard seven years broke her heart, but somehow, when she looked at his innocent saphire eyes, it was all okay. All that waiting, was worth it.

Saria: So, I guess we'd better get going. We don't want to be late do we?

Link: I guess not, c'mon let's go.

The walk there was a lot harder for Link with Saria there. She was beautiful and very distracting. They had grown up together and were best friends. Link could barely believe the feelings he felt for her and she could barely believe the feelings she had for him. They were inseperatable, just like they had always been. Soon they arrived at the place were the mask contest took place every summer. Link had often gone there as a child. Everyone in Hyrule was there. Zoras, Gorons, Greudos, Hylians, Kokori, and Deku were all crowded into one dark room. Saria and Link were forced to stay by the door.

Link: Guess we should've got here earlier...

Saria: It's okay. I should have told you to come earlier.

Link was relieved. Normally Saria would have punched him on the arm. It was painful. She could punch hard! Link always liked Saria, though he had tried to hide it. The way she flicked her hair and even the smug smirk she wore when she was planning a prank on him were all embeaded into his brain. He loved everything she was and everything she wasn't. He loved her and always would no matter what.

Link: Saria, let's get closer. I can barely hear the band.

The two of them edged closer to the front of the stage. Link slipped his hand on top of Saria's. Saria giggled and held it tight in her child-sized hand. Link's face gleamed. The two of them knew that they needed eachother. They only made it to about the middle of the room. Link loved the music. Saria did too. It was waaaay better than the Ingo Go's of Termina. They were hard core rock and were sort of like Linken Park meets Sum 41 (even though they wouldn't exist for a number of years later). It was exactly like what Link and Saria wanted in a band. Link adored the music so much that he wanted to show the band but how? Link decided to ask CDCB using her friend's cellphone (Link steals things off the people who make fun of the game and call people who he thinks are cool. ;p)

Link: CDCB, how do I show apprciation at a concert?

CDCB: OMFG? Link????? OMFG he's real! (she faints into a bucket of water)

Link: CDCB? Are you still there.

CDCB: Yes!!! Omg do you wanna go out sometime?

Link looked at Saria. CDCB was pretty cool but not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. Everyone seemed to find that. :(

Link: Just tell me...

CDCB: i dunno, wave a cellphone or something...DO YOU WANNA GO OUT?

Link: NOOOOOOO! OWNED

CDCB started to cry, but this is a different more painful story.

Just as Link hung up, a crow from Termina stole his cellphone. Link couldn't get it back. What was like a cellphone? People used to use lighters before they had cells but he didn't have either...Link decided to use fire arrows. They were the same anyways... Link pulled a single arrow out of his bag and...it wouldn't light up. Frustrated Link took out his bow and chucked the arrow at the wall. It went on fire.

Link: I guess you need o use the bow for it to work.

Saria: OMG Link! What the hell?!?

Link: CDCB told me to! ...Not to point fingers or anything.

Saria: Who?

Link: Erm...never mind.

The flames surrounded Link and Saria. A large tree branch fell from the sky. Link jumped and pushed Saria out of the way, just before she was hit.

Saria: Link?

Link: Yeah

Saria: Thanks...

Link: let's leave!

The two of them rose from the ditch (however that light thingy works) and watched the people fighting to save everyone. Deku after Deku went in to stop the fire, which was actually pretty stupid because they were made out of wood and wood burns. Saria started to cry.

Link: Awe. Saria, it's okay, at least we're safe.

Saria: But what about them. They were all so, so, nice...

Link: Saria, they were kind of creepy. They sort of looked like deformed voodoo dolls with leaves... (author's note: sorry, but it's kinda true...)

Saria: But they were good at heart and that's what really matters.

Link: Good at heart? I kicked so many of their asses and...

Saria: You hurt them before?????

Link: For the good of the forest!

Saria: How could I even think of going out with someone so stupid, let alone a reckless killer!

And with that Saria stormed off. She could do so much better, so why was she hung up on this misfit? And why was her head having trouble controlling her heart?

Link: Treehugger!

Link yelled, but thre was no response. Saria was long gone. Yet another relationship he screwed up. He knew he had to save it, but how?

* * *

CDCB: LoL, I had a lot of "fluf" in this chapter. 

Saria: I like it when it's about me!

CDCB:...

Saria: So, what happened to all the other people?

CDCB: There were 367 Deku's killed, and none in Hyrule lived. That's why there are never Deku's after the MM period. (Majora's Mask).

Saria: I have 366 less friends...

CDCB: What about the other 1?

Saria: Well...his deku nuts were full of Deku mucus. It was really quite gross, but the other 366 of them were awesome...

CDCB: Other injuries included 37 1st degree burns.

Saria: I hope we make up!

CDCB: That is up to you. R and R!

* * *

Link: Saria...SARIA! 

As hard as he tried she wouldn't come out of her house. Saria poked heer head through the window.

Saria: I can't believe you...

Link: If you just gave me one more chance...

TBC...


	11. 2 Ruto's Dark Side and Soggy Sandwiches

CDCB: Fun fact- My first Ruto chapter got the second most reviews, right after the first Malon one!

Ruto: People like me.

CDCB: Apparently! I hope they do beacause I go on this site so people will read some of my work and if they didn't it would suck and...

Ruto: Not this again...

CDCB: I could be hanging out with my friends or eating or actually doing my homework for once or...or...

Ruto: Erm... CDCB owns nothing but this fic and the one she

CDCB: playing basket ball or sleeping or working on not parody stories for once or going emo...actually, I'd rather do this than slit my self. I am afriad of pain...and spiders. I was sooooooooo freaked out in the TP. The OoT ones weren't scary at alll...

Ruto: SHUT UP

CDCB: Sorry...

* * *

Ruto's Darkside and Soggy Sandwiches

Link dove down deep within the lake. He paced into the a room under water and...didn't see Ruto.

Link: Gawd this Temple is confusing.

He checked _everywhere_ so he left the Temple.

Link: Navi hand me my note

Navi: Listen.

Link: OMG there's fine print!

_"note" Link I am waiting where you saw your dark side. It has such a cute island._

Link: Dammit, that's half way through the temple!

Link and Navi slowly made it through the temple. For some reason all the creature were hiding under pots and chests.

_Ruto must have been here _Link thought.

No one in all of Hyrule (and much of Termina) liked her, except for Link. He liked the idea of a girl going crazy for him, especailly since all the other girls had moved on.

Finally Link made it to the room.

Link: Ruto?

Link slowly walked towards the palm tree in the center of the room he could see the out line of Ruto. Link ran to get the free food. As soon as he got to "Ruto" he saw it wasn't really her...it was Shadow Ruto and Link could see the real Ruto attempting to beat her dark side up. They were more violent than Link would have guessed. The Rutos could throw a hard punch.

Ruto: Link, you came.

Dark Ruto: Shut up and fight, bitch. Besides he likes me better

Ruto: NO HE DOESN'T!

Ruto burst out crying and Dark Ruto came over towards her with a symathetic look on her face.

Dark Ruto: You okay? I'm sorry.

Ruto: Really...

Dark Ruto: No way. You are so weak.

Being the tomboy she is, Ruto did not take this lightly. You could almost see the steam coming out of her ears.

Ruto (with a dangerous edge to her vioce): What did you call me?

Dark Ruto (in a baby vioce): Poor Ruto. Spent her childhood playing with dollies and dreaming of Link. No one likes her. Not even her own mommy.

Now she was going to far. Her mother had died in labour (or laying eggs in this case). Ruto had always been haunted by this. Ruto threw herself at Dark Ruto, but they were evenly matched. Link had been watching the whole time and he missed Ruto's obsessiveness. Link ran over to Dark Ruto and beat the shit out of her. It was pretty easy. All he had to do was duck out of the way of her punches. She spontaneously combusted after only three hits with the Giant's Sword. Link walked over to Ruto.

Link: She's gone...

Ruto: Really?

Link: Yep.

Ruto: Thanks. She ate all my food. I hope you don't mind.

On que, Link's stomache growled.

Ruto: Maybe there are some coconuts on that palm tree?

Link ran over to the palm tree in extreme hunger and to his surprize saw an old foe. Exactly his height and weight, they were equally matched.

Ruto: Two Links? I must be dreaming. Dark Link, Dark Link, come meet yor new girlfriend.

And with that Link and Dark Link ran for their lives. The room was full of water so Ruto swam and caught up with them. She kissed both on the cheek. Link blushed, but Dark Link commited suicide. Link smiled Ruto stared at the decesed Dark Link in confusion.

Ruto: ...

Link: I guess he and I didn't share everything in common...

Ruto smiled and was actually okay. She knew she was with someone who did like her.

Ruto: So, what was it that you didn't share in common?

Link: Erm...

Ruto laughed but Link turned red.

Ruto: Link?

Link: Yeah...

Ruto: Erm...I...well...

Link: Me too.

Ruto: Can we leave and get some real food? I'm starved!

Off the two went smiling and...well, walking...but mostly smiling. They left the temple to the beautiful glow of a Hylain sunset and set up a picnic by the large tree. Ruto set up her picnic blanket and made a fire while Link fished. For a moment, that crazy afternoon, everything was perfect.

Ruto: awe, I can't wait untill we get married.

Link:...

Navi: Hey! Link have you ever seen bottles floating around Lake Hylia?

Link: Shut up Navi!

Ruto: How many kids do you think we'll have?

Link: ...

Ruto: I always wanted 7...but really it's up to you

Link:...erm...well...yikes!

Ruto: What?

Link: Erm isn't it ...a little early...to...to...to be thinking about that?

Ruto: you can never be to preparded.

Link: So how do you like your fish cooked.

Ruto: Medium rare. What will we name them?

Link: ...Erm...Rafiel?

Ruto: Wtf? Are you kidding me?

Link: Erm yes...I mean no?

Ruto: Well I always thought we'd name them Rulink, Lintu, Kinlu, Linkto, Otur, Kinl, and little Neela.

Link: Neela?

Ruto: It was my mothers name...

Link: Oh...

Ruto: I have a confession to make.

Link: Okay, what is it?

Ruto: Dark Ruto didn't eat the food.

Link gasped.

Ruto: I did!

Link: I...I...have to leave.

Ruto: But what about the fish?

Link: Well, you certainly shouldn't be hungry...

Link walked away from the Lake Hylia in pure horror. Had he really went out with a mooch; a mooch who wanted to marry him, and eat all his food? It just wasn't acceptable. Being clingy was fine, but eating his food was going way to far...wasn't it?

* * *

CDCB: Uh oh! 

Ruto: Dammit I am so stupid! He totally believed me about Dark Ruto.

CDCB: Well...it's kinda your fault.

Ruto: ...

CDCB: well review...please. This maybe wasn't my best work, but I wrote it at 4:00am to get it out in time. I wasn't near a computer all week. Just one note to all my readers. Never leave a full chapter to do in one hour...

Ruto: Preview this next exciting chapter!

* * *

Poor Ruto ran to catch up with him, but he was long gone. She couldn't believe it. No one else had ever cared about her fast metabolism. No one else had ever given her a chance. Now, this one guy, her one and only chance at a boyfriend was gone, and there was nothing else she could do. Ruto swam back to the recently de-frosted Zora's Domain and cried. He was gone. 

King Zora: Ruto, honey, what's wrong.

Ruto: I..."sniff"...don't..."sniff"...think..."sniff"...Link..."sniff"...likes me.

All of a sudden the familliar tune of Zelda's Lullaby played through the wide cavern...

TBC


	12. 2 Shadowy Surprizes for Impa

CDCB: Impa is emo! OWNED!

CDCB: Impa...?

CDCB (under breath): tard

CDCB: Do I have to do the disclaimer?

CDCB: Where the hell did this coffin come from?

Impa: Leave me alone!

CDCB (crying): I didn't make any of these poor possesed people that are portrayed in the Zelda games!

* * *

Shadowy Surprizes (Impa)

Link wasn't quite sure why Impa had such random spazes about her gross rock cookies, but he was interested to see where she wanted to take him. Link hopped onto Epona and rode down the familiar road from the Kokori Forest and Kakoriko Village. Link waved at the many villagers he saw riding. In fact, he saw a lot of familliar friends. The chicken lady/Anju, the old man, the old woman, the Skutella Family, and many more were living in this peaceful town. Of coarse his favourite one was completely different. She was Impa (DUH).

Link soon arrived at Impa's house. The walls were still pink, but she had added a few more Sheikah things that made the pink look out of place. It was obvious Impa didn't like Zelda's little "Leon's" shopping spree. The familiar frown was embeaded in her face. She turned her head for a minute and Link could see a soft smirk form but when she turned around again it was gone.

Link: You kind of asked me to come back today...

Impa: Yup.

Link: What are we gonna do?

Impa: Play the nocturne of Shadow. I'll meet you at the temple!

Link: How?

Impa had poofed herself using a mystical deku nut.

Link: Oh, that's how...

OoT: DO DOOT DO DA DOOT DOOT DOOOOOT

Link magically landed deep within the Kakoriko graveyard.

Impa: It's rude to keep a girl waiting...

Link: Do Doot Do Da Doot Doot Doooooot...

Impa: I want to show you something...

Link: OkeeeDokeee!

Impa led Link down deep within the barial hambers of the dead. It was something Impa was fasinated by and something Link was afraid of. There were knives and spiders and spiders. Spiders scared Link. They were just so creepy and crawly and icky and gross. They creeped and crawled all over this place.

Link: Ahhhhhhhhh! GIANT SPIDERS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Impa: It's just a cute little spider.

Link: Man, are you ever brave. And to think I had to save you from a Bongo Ghost.

Impa: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BONGOS!

Link and Impa laughed in the barrial chamber. (A/N: Thats not creepy at all...)

Link: So why are we here?

Impa: just follow me.

Link followed her down to a secret room with Shiekah writing on all the walls. Link couldn't make much of the words out.

Impa: I'll translate: _We the Shiekah slumber in these tombs. A war killed us let us remember all who die move on. Death is not an end, but a beginning. Keep us in your hearts and we will live on._

Link: What was the point of that?

Impa: When I was 10, I wasn't saving the world from certain destruction, I was learning from my elders.

Link:...

Impa: They are the famous Shiekah that saved Hyrule. One was your mother.

Link: "Gulp" my mother?

Impa: Yes, your mother. Kylia was her name. She was stronger than many of the Shiekan men and is the reason why many of us lived. She sheltered us and saved us. She was a beautiful woman, long white hair, those blue eyes rarely found in our people, and a smile that could make any man's heart melt. She was with many men, I'm sorry to say, so I'm not sure who your father was, but I am pretty sure it was the young Hylian, Dave.

Link: Dave?!?

Impa: Yup. He looked a lot like you actually. I reckon he was the only man your mother truely loved. He was courageous and true. He saved Hyrule from destrution and saved the young Princes Zelda. Some evil guy did it.

Link: Gannondork?

Impa: No, some wizard guy...

Link: Weird. So I guess that was a link to my past.

(A/n: Yay puns!)

Link: So I'm really a Shiekah?

Impa: Yes.

Link: Am I still Hylian?

Impa: Yup!

Link: I'm half and half?!?

Impa: Erm...

Impa ignored that comment, but chuckled because it sounded like he meant...nevermind.

Link: Wow! This is shocking. I never knew either of my parents.

Impa: Yeah. I want to show you something else know. Follow me!

Despite his better judgment, Link followed his friend down a secret passage way and down a ladder. He remembered the room immediately. This was where he had rode the boat. Link loved the boat. It was his favourite thing in all of Hyrule, Termina, and the Moon. He could ride it and kill things on it and crash it and it was still there when he came back the next time. Even after Link had killed the bongo ghost thingy he had still played with it and told it jokes. He even read it bed time stories every night. In a way, this boat wasn't just a boat, it was his friend. Link started to get all teary eyed.

Impa: So, wat do you think?

Link: I HEART...

Impa: What do you "HEART?"

Link: BOATS!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG...

Impa: Link? Are you okay?

Link: Yeah, why do you ask?

Impa decided to ignore Link's obsession with boats. Link jumped onto the bird/bat boat and rubbed it.

Link: Did you miss me???

Impa: So, Link.

Link: Yeah.

Impa: Are you playing Zelda''s Lullaby, or am I?

Link: I will. (cue Zelda's lullaby music)

Link: Yay! Go boat! I love your bell!

Impa: Wow, you are so immature! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

Link: I see dead people!

Link spun around holding his sword out and in the blink of an emo eye, they were gone.

Impa: Great know th boat's sinking.

The two leaped off the boat and landed on the platform.

Link: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Impa swore she saw a tear leak out of Link's eye.

Link: Impa...

Impa: Yes...

Link: Can we go now?

Impa: I guess, if we have to... I want to give you this.

_You got the Magical Transporting Deku Nuts. Use them by going into the start subscreen by pressing up, left, or right._

Impa: Meet me at my house using your present.

Link: Sweetness!

* * *

CDCB: I think I made up for my crappy last Impa chapter. 

Impa: shhhhhhh! A vampire needs her rest.

CDCB: If you don't want Impa to randomly pretend she's a vampire, REVIEW.

_note: If you do want to see me continually get harassed, you are also allowed to review._

* * *

Link through a Magical Transporting Deku Nut down to the ground and ended up in the once again gothic Impa's house. He heard the voice of a dark angel. 

Impa: Link? Why are you in my cow's pen?

Link:...

He couldn't respond. The cow farted and Link passed out.

Impa: Oh snap!


	13. 2 Nabooru's Boyfriend

CDCB: After such a long wait it is finally here.

Nabooru: Yeah!!!!

CDCB: Sorry for the wait but it's/ it was summer! I'm so sorry it took this long but it's going to be okay.

Nabooru: CDCB will try to update quicker in the future.

* * *

Nabooru's "Boyfriend"

Nabooru held her breath as she was getting ready for her date with Link. She put her long red hair down so it waved down to her waist. Any normal guy would never forget her face. She put on a tight purple mini dress and hoped for the best. If all the girls in Hyrule wanted him, he couldn't be that bad...or bad at all. Normally, she didn't have to try this hard, but with Link coming in just 5 minutes, she had to look good and fast. With one last spray of "Moi," a perfume endorced by Zelda, she ran out to the entrance to the valley. In the distance she could see Link coming towards her. He looked awful. He was all sweaty and wearing his normal outfit. She was totally overdressed.

Nabooru: Link! How are you?

Link: Wow! You look so hot! Was I supposed to...

Nabooru: No you weren't supposed dress up I just...

Link raised an eyebrow.

Nabooru: I just came back from a date with my boyfriend.

Link: Boyfriend?!?

Nabooru: Yeah. he's really cute. He lives in...erm...he lives in Kakoriko Village.

Link: Does he have a name?

Nabooru: Does he have a name? Of coarse he has a name...His name is Kafai?

Link: Kafai? Isn't he with Anju?!?

Nabooru: You know him?!?

Link: YEAH!!

Nabooru: Erm...

Link: And doesn't he live in Termina?

Nabooru: Well he likes me now!

Link: Aren't you worried about Anju?

Nabooru: Yes, but she can't be as pretty as me.

Link: They're married.

Nabooru: MARRIED?

Link: Still love him?

Nabooru: Of coarse! He is my lover.

Link: So you don't like me?

Nabooru: I like you, but like I said I have a boyfriend already.

Navi: Are you going to give Nabooru the flowers now?

Link: Shut-up

Nabooru: Flowers? For me?

Link: Yea...if you still want them...

Nabooru grabed the flowers out of the young hero's hands.

Link: I dunno. I like the Magenta Pink flowers.

Nabooru: Well...I like the Periwinkle Blue Ones.

The author suddenly has a major **Blue's Clues** _flashback._ I know you had one too, so don't lie.

Nabooru: Wow, these are pretty sweet. Thanks.

Nabooru gave our hero a soft peck on the cheek.

Navi: Link are you going to give Nabooru the chocolate now?

Link sheepishly smiled.

Link: Actually, those were fo me...

Nabooru and Navi: What!?!

Link popped a few in his mouth.

Link: Mmmmmm chocolate.

Nabooru: Do you know how much fat is in that?

Navi: OR CARBS

Navi and Nabooru: OR CALORIES!!!

Link: Who cares?

Navi and Nabooru looked at eachother and started singing "Who ate all the pies."

Link: I'm curvy and I like it! (A/N: I kind of stole this from Friends...which has been over for several years which makes me sad.)

Navi: Well I guess not everyone can care about the way they look.

Out of fear, Link threw out all of his chocolate. Navi and Nabooru dashed to the garbage and started mauling the chocolate.

Link:What about the fat, ThE cArBs, or THE CALORIES?????

Nabooru: We...mmmmmmmmm...just wanted to get the chocolate.

Navi: You are so concious about your weight...

Nabooru (Laughing): "I'm curvy and I like it?!?"

Navi and Nabooru laughed in hysterics.

Navi: Don't mess with us!

Nabooru: That's what I was going to say.

Navi: Wanna be best friends?

Nabooru: You know it!

Nabooru and Navi walked out on Link into the sunset. They gossiped about everything to the cutest boys to the hotest bands.

Nabooru: So...do you have a boyfriend?

Navi: Yup! His name is Tael. He is so hot!

(A/N: Tael is the purple one, right? I always get them confused...)

Navi: So you and Kafai...

Nabooru: I just randomly made up a name to make Link jealous.

Navi: And I thought you were the only girl in Hyrule who had a sense of dignity.

Nabooru: So we're not friends?

Navi: Nope.

Nabooru: Well, what should I do about Link?

Navi: Tell him the truth. I usually help him with tough riddles and stuff like that.

Nabooru: Really?

Navi: Yeah so it's either me or him.

Nabooru: Him, sorry.

Navi stormed off and had one of her crazy fairy fits of rage.

_meanwhile:_

Link: Nabooru has a boyfriend. That's why we aren't going out.

Greudo #1: Well, I'm single.

Greudo #2: So are the rest of us!

Greudo #3: Well, I have couple boyfriends. I guess guys are a little freaked out by your large biceps.

Greudo #2: When your as trained and skilled as I am, you don't need to have a couple boyfriends strug along to make you feel safe.

Greudo #3: Sure. You already are a man.

Greudo #2: Fuck you, hor!

Greudo #3: ...

Greudo #2: That's right, I went there.

Greudo #3: Oh no you didn't.

Greudo #2: Oh yes I did.

Link: GIRLS!

Greudo #1: Wanna make out?

Link: No.

Greudo #1: Here comes your ex.

Greudo #1 jumped on Link and started making out with him.

Nabooru: OMG!

Greudo #2: Bitch!

Greudo #3: Tard?

Nabooru: ALL OF YOU STOP! WE DON"T WANT TO GET ATTACKED! AND YOU, LINK...NEVER COME HERE AGAIN!!!!

Link: What? But, but...

Nabooru: Enough!

* * *

CDCB: All for now!

Nabooru: and CDCB is to lazy for a preview. Review and vote out Impa!

CDCB: Ciao!


	14. 3 Malon Thinks Link is Retarded

CDCB: This chapter is awesome. Read it.

Malon: Why should they?

CDCB: It has awesome Thesaurous words

Malon: And...

CDCB: You love link?

Malon: Whatevs. CDCB doesn't own any Zelda characters etc that you may read in this novel etc etc etc etc well, you get the picture!

note: This will not make much sense unless you read THE MALON CHAPTERS BEFORE

* * *

Malon Thinks Link is Retarded

Link who had just escaped Ingo's evil ranch followed the smell Lon Lon Milk using the mask of scents. He mugged it off of the Happy Mask guy. He ran around Hyrule field for

a day,

and a night,

a day,

and a night,

a day,

and a night,

a day,

and a night

a day,

and a midafternoon when Link randomly fell into a hole. It had to be Epona's evil fortress. Why else would one of those holes have so many hay stacks? Epona's evil fortress was wet and full of many grasses inhabited by bugs. There was an open treasure chest. Link had been there before, probably as a child, 7 short years ago. Up on the ceiling was a large metal cage. Inside was Malon.

Malon: Link! Is that you?

Link: Malon! What the hell are you doing up there?!?

Malon: Epona put me here!

Link: Life in Hyrule is just waaay to hard with everyone liking me.

Malon: Shut- up. Yeah I like you, but that was the worst beginning of a date I had ever had.

Link: Not you, Epona.

Malon: You think my horse likes you?!?

Epona: Liiiiiiiink iiiiiiis hhhhhhhot

Link: Did you hear that?!?

Malon: Did I hear what?

Link: Epona totally came on to me.

Malon: WTF?????? Link do you run into the stable wall again?

Link had run into stable walls so many times it wasn't even funny...

Link: That's not important. Let's get you down.

Malon crossed her arms.

Malon: I am not letting a crazy person let me down.

Epona started humping Link.

Link: Now do you believe me?

Malon: How dare you rape my hoarse.

Malon swiftly opened the door of her cage without any effort and jumped down off the highly raised cage.

Malon: C'mon Epona, let's go home.

Link: Why do I even bother?

Malon didn't hear him. It was too late.

later:

malmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmal

Malon sat on her bed in absolute self-pity. How could she have fallen for as guy who was stupid enough to think that her horse was in love with him. The day played over and over in her head.

"_Dammit," she thought, "I am in love with him."_

She probably overreacted and now, her lovelife was screwed. There would be no knight in shining armour for her. Her chance was gone. Gone like the wind. Good-bye. Gone. Not going to come back. Kapeesh. Escaped. Left. Vanished. Disapeared. No more. Gone. G-O-N-E, gone.

linklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklink

Meanwhile still in Epona's evil fortress Link thought to himself about why Malon was so pissed off. Epona was totallly coming on to him. Link decided that he had two options.

Option 1: Suicide- He thought it might be fun to jump off the Kakoriko/Hyrule Field bridge. But he would die.

Option 2: Apologize: But he didn't do anything wrong.

Link picked the most obvious choice, suicide.

malmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmal

Malon was tired of crying.

Malon: I think I will take a walk with Epona.

Talon: Have fun...

linklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklink

Link counted to 3 in his head. He was standing on top of the bridge. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a large horse and a face he knew too well.

Link took a step off the bridge and fell into the water.

He could hear someone screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as he dropped in. The water was cold and fierce. "Yes," he thought,"I'm dead." All of a sudden he realized something.

Link: Dam, I'm alive aren't I.

Link turned his head to see Malon, gasping with horror.

malmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmal

Malon stood beside the river in pure shock Link was going to jump. This would be the end.

Malon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

She screamed with all her might, but just a second to late. The crazed horse rapist had jumped.

Malon had no idea what she was doing but she dove into the fast current. She was going to save Link or die trying. She grabbed ahold o his sholder and swam with all her might back to shore.

linklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklinklink

Link was more than alive, he was being dragged to shore by Malon. He decided to fake his death just for fun. What would she do?

malmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmalmal

Malon dragged the young hero up onto the feild and started crying. He appeared to be dead.

Link: Malon...is that you.

Link deseved an Oscar for his preformance.

Malon: Link? Are you okay.

Malon asked with desperation in her vioce.

Link laughed. as he slowly opened his eyes.

Link: Your shirt is see-through.

Malon slapped him right across the face knowing that no matter what the is crazy child would do, she would always love him.

* * *

CDCB: too lazy for a preview. 

Malon: or a complete sentence

CDCB:R&R

Malon: and CDCB had fun with a Thesaurous.

* * *


	15. 3 Falala and Sheik

CDCB: Read the first chapters if you like things to make sense.

Zelda: yup

CDCB: I can't think of anything witty or clever to say!

Zelda: Yup, that's right this kid owns nothing but insanity...and a couple of stories she wrote. All having me as a character.

CDCB: Though she acts like a spoiled brat about it.

* * *

Falala and Sheik

Link was surrounded. he had never felt more embarrassed in his life. He was caught. Cross dressing! He was caught cross dressing! By girls! He was going to get it and he was going to get it hard.

Link: Well, this is awkward...

Malon: How could you do that to Zelda. She really liked you.

Link: Some of us were making fun of Zelda because we thought it made us cool, right Malon

Malon: ...

Impa: it was all of us, except for Ruto who I will appoint as a bystander. We should all be ashamed. You too Link. What gave you the need to come to our sleepover?

Link: (like a scolded student with his head down) Nothing.

Impa: there must have been something.

Link: Well, I did want to see Zelda, and I also was hoping to see you guys get changed into your pajamas. Maybe even a pillow fight in your underwear?

Impa: Excuse me!

Link: Well...everyone except you. I don't need to see the places where you might have wrinkles.

Nabooru: For Goddess' sake, can't I just beat him up already?

Malon: I think he should just go talk to her. If she's pissed off, we kick his ass.

Everyone agreed and pushed him into Zelda's bedroom, telling him the door was locked from the outside.

Link: Zelda...?

Zelda: What do you want?

Link: I'm sorry...I've been a jerk.

Zelda: You're right, you have.

Link: Could I maybe talk to you for a minute?

Zelda: Well...maybe...okay.

Link: Well the way I see it, this is exactly what you did to me.

Zelda: What are you talking about?

Link: Well you stalked me and cross dressed into watching me fight and stuff.

Zelda: That was protecting me!

Link: You did cross dress for that reason, but you did not stalk me because "it was protecting you."

Zelda: Well...yeah.

Link: I only did this because I wanted to be close to you.

Zelda: I guess,but dressing up as a girl?

Link: Desperation can make people do some crazy things.

Zelda: Okay Link, I forgive you.

The uncomfortable feeling left and for a moment, everything was perfect.

Link: Zelda

He nervously grabbed her hand.

Link: Will you go out with me sometime. I mean it's okay if you don't, it's not like I'll cross-dress again or anything. just, you know, wouldn't mind getting to know...

Link stopped mid-sentence. Zelda had pressed her lips to his. Link had never felt more relieved in his life.

Giggling was heard from the door.

Malon: Tee hee

Saria: Tee hee hee

Anju: Tee tee hee hee

Ruto: giggle 'snort' giggle 'snort'

Nabooru: Wahooo! Go kid!

Impa: Zelda your father will not me amused.

Embarrassed, Zelda and Link broke from their embrace and joined the giggling. In all the excitement, Nabooru even forgot to beat Link up! They partied it up until a voice bellowed up the tower.

King of Hyrule: Zelda you're too loud! I'm coming up.

Zelda: shit.

Link: What am I going to do? This tower is like 50 stories off the ground.

And then, without a thought, Nabooru pushed Link off the tower. Zelda's mouth dropped open. Was Link dead? Was this the end of their 1 hour old relationship? And most importantly, was this the end of an awesome bachelor parody?

Of coarse not, but Zelda didn't know that. The King of Hyrule walked into the room. Zelda wiped her tears.

King of Hyrule: puff puff puff there are way too many stairs.

Zelda: Why didn't you just use the elevator?

King of Hyrule: I'm trying to lose weight.

The girls looked at his XXXXXL waist line. They muffled their laughter as silently as they could.

King of Hyrule: Did I hear a boy up here?

The girls stopped laughing and turned to Zelda.

Zelda: I was...erm...using my Sheik voice.

King of Hyrule: Honey, you are a girl. Please don't do that in front of your guests.

Zelda: umm...sure thing. Now leave!

The King looked appalled at her behavior.

Zelda: please

She batted her eyelashes. She could get almost anything by doing that. The King left and the girls could hear his heavy footsteps stomp down the stairs.

A voice: Help! Help!

The girls rushed towards the window.

Zelda: Link?

Link: Look down.

The girls laughed hysterically. Link was hanging only a few feet below her window by his underwear!

Zelda: How did this happen?

Malon: Oh my gawd! Link wears tidy whiteys

Link: No I don't!

Malon: Umm...yeah you do.

Link: Shut up. My other underwear is in the wash.

Ruto: Who cares about underwear?

Zelda: Funny from a naked person.

Ruto: Shut up!

Impa: Link grab on.

Impa reached out her hand and Link grabbed on tight. She pulled him up without effort. The girls gasped.

Malon: O.o his tidy whiteys are still stuck on the ledge.

Ruto: So i'm not alone being naked?

Malon: He still has his dress on. He's just commando underneath!

Ruto:dammit

Zelda hugged Link as Malon and Ruto had this epic discussion.

Zelda: I thought I'd lost you.

Link: Yeah, I wasn't scared at all.

Zelda smiled and pressed her lips to his. The warm, almost electric, sensation tingled throughout her body.

Zelda: Link, as much as I hate to say this, you have to leave.

Link: Really?

Zelda: Yes, as sexy as that dress is...

Link: O.o

Zelda: Calm down, I was just joking.

Link smiled and hookshotted his way out of the castle. This was followed my a loud thud.

Link: I'm okay. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

* * *

CDCB: I know i know, this took way too long for me to write. my first draft was way to 'fluffy' for it to be romance/comedy. 

Zelda: i liked the first version better.

CDCB: Well, fuck you!

Zelda: tidy whiteys turn me on...and review...PLEASE!!!!


End file.
